I've been here before, alas, as you know if you follow this blog. I have been doing a lot of thinking as to exactly why I am once again struggling to write anything half decent these days. I'm not saying I don't, from time to time, come up with something I'm reasonably pleased with but it seems so much like hard work to put one word in front of another. Yet the crazy thing is, there's nothing else I'd rather do. I don't want to give it up or learn a totally new skill either. I want to write. I hate that loathsome phrase, 'Writers' Block' and know how many busy and successful writers see it as a fancy name for lack of ability or laziness uttered by someone who won't stop whining instead of Getting-On-With-It.
To be honest, I used to think that way. I never had any trouble writing short stories that I was proud of and that even got published and won prizes from time to time. I've even written novels (one published). I could happily bash out a first draft and then enjoy shaping and polishing it. Rejection never upset me unduly because I do understand why most work is rejected. After all, it's all part of the writer's life. Only I don't know how to do it any longer. It's all dead-ends and wrong turnings. And rejection, once par for the course, now only serves to tell me I can no longer do it. I've even entered about half a dozen competitions so far this year to give me a focus and a deadline and have got absolutely nowhere. I've joined courses that should inspire me but only confirm that I can't do it any more. In other words I have lost my way.
I'm in a muddle. I have no idea any longer what I want to write and where I want it to go. Do I concentrate on literary fiction or aim for the more commercial? Do I write long, short or very short? Should I start novel three that is forming in my mind? But then again what is the point of slogging through another full-length manuscript when my writing is not floating anyone's boat at the moment? Surely these are the thoughts of a novice writer and not one who's been at it for night on 25 years? With me, it all boils down to is shrinking confidence. And the longer it goes on the harder it gets to regain it.
I have tried to avoid sinking into despondency over it. I've tried all sorts of ways such as walking away from my desk for days at a time and not even thinking about writing anything at all. I've gone for long walks and all those other things that seem to work for other writers. None of it has worked.
Please excuse the whinge but sometimes I refuse to play the game and present a happy face. Surely I can't be the only writer who feels like this from time to time? The world of social networking creates a false sense of achievement, optimism and opportunities that is hard to cope with at times. Of course, no-one loves a party-pooper, least of all me, but sometimes I can't play the game any more.
Any tips that actually work?
I wish I could say yes, but I can't think of any real genuine tips(apart from the aforementioned walks, or perhaps meditation, if that's your thing). It does sound like the kind of self-doubt you're having means you are far away from yourself and somehow you need to find a way back.
ReplyDeleteI sincerely hope for you that, having written successfully before, that you'll do it again.
Very big hugs,
Charlotte
I read once that a famous celebrity suddenly developed stage-fright after years of being confident and successful.
ReplyDeleteWhile he stood in the wings, convinced he had lost the ability to continue, his wife told him to just go on. And not try to be perfect. Be average, she told him. Don't strive for anything more.
He did just that. He remembered to enjoy what he loved instead of fretting that he wasn't good enough. And he eventually recovered his lost nerve.
I think it's quite natural to suffer this self-doubt when you have had success already. Staying afloat is harder than jumping in.
Don't try too hard or worry too much.
Sally, we come from very different writerly places but I understand completely everything you say. I go through periods of intense self-questionning and self-doubt and directionlessness that can be crippling. Before the last month I had been in one for over a year - I know many of the individual issues will be different as will the triggers (in my case, a combination of creative doubt brought on by the minor success of a thriller I'd written that I was unable to replicate and which trying to replicate left me feeling creatively bankrupt and a long bout of my cyclical depression), but the result was the same - the familiar cotton wool bubble enveloping my head combined with an utter inability to take a creative decision.
ReplyDeleteSadly - in the sense of not being practically useful - probably the main reason I have emerged (though I did blog about some other points here http://agnieszkasshoes.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/turning-points.html) has been that my depression has lifted, almost entirely because that's how my cycle works. But there were other factors - first, and reflected in that post, a decision to take some ruthless choices about what I wouldn't do (realising that doing too many things was leading to *less* productivity where it really mattered).
Second, I spent quite some time asking myself some basic questions. The most fundamental of which (and brought about by the genre/format struggle you mention) was "what do I stand for?" I wrote about this just yesterday -
http://selfpublishingadvice.org/blog/writer-who-are-you/ - most of it will be irrelevant but the main point (and some of the discussion in the comments) may not be - that our art is just the outworking of our artistic purpose and that if we lose sight of the latter we are working in the dark whereas if we can pin it down we can almost work with our eyes closed and let it mould what's in front of us.
Finally (well, not finally - I have written about self-doubt ad infinitum - but for now!) this is very idiosyncratic but was as it were the straw that broke the camel's hump of the slump, a series of coincidences from reading around of all things parkour (with its central philosophy from which all other thigs evolve of "only go forwards") for an idea I'd had through a conversation with a painter to a documentary that happened to be on TV. I wrote about ithere - http://agnieszkasshoes.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/be-spectacular-and-be-more-french.html and ended up concluding (which feeds back to the "what do you stand for?"): "you know yourself not by asking more questions but fewer. And total self-knowledge comes only when you ask no questions of yourself at all but simply do."
I apologise 1. for the ramble and 2. for the fact none of that is really a tip, more a succession of anecdotes, but it may find a point of contact. Very very best wishes - and do feel free to e-mail me if you ever need to bend an ear!
For me I would just write it out, get a journal, a fancy one if you like or a plain old one and just write out your feelings, sometimes just the act of getting it off your chest (as you are part doing here) can help and if tomorrow you still need to write it out, do that and don't think about the details, don't think about your next project just release those feelings and thoughts and don't read back. If anything positive pops up that you don't want to forget make a note of it.
ReplyDeleteHope things get better... :)
My tip is to write something that is just for you, and with no intention of ever publishing it or even showing it to anyone else. It is kind of liberating as it takes you away from any thoughts of the value judgements of others and back to the essential element of expressing your thoughts to yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember that all writers worth their salt are beset by self-doubt sometimes - the only writers who are brimful of confidence are the novices who still think that writing is easy, that they are the bees knees and the first thing they write will be a bestseller. It seems that so far as writing is concerned, there is an inverse relationship between confidence and ability.
I can only sympathise - I wonder if you are in one of those places where nothing is going to 'work' because you don't know what 'work' would look like.
ReplyDeleteAnd I so agree when you write that 'the world of social networking creates a false sense of achievement, optimism and opportunities.' We don't tweet all the rejections (and why would we) so it's easy to get an image of successful writers out of there with editors and prizes and book launches - but you know, in the quiet moments, that it's not all like that. Most of us scribble away in various degrees of hopefulness; and have times when we find it difficult to go with the flow of rejections.
I just wonder what else you do that gives you joy? Are you able to put your pen down for a while, spend time doing something just for the fun of it. It may make no different to the writing, but you might feel a bit better about the world in general.
Honestly, when I find I can't write, I just don't write. I tell myself that I need a break and don't write anything until I really want to. It's a risky way to go about it, I can't tell you how many times I've wondered "what if I NEVER want to write again," but it just seems to work better for me than forcing myself to write when I don't want to.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try writing something relatively easy, with a relatively higher chance of publication. Like what, I bet you are saying. How about a How To book? Distil your advice from this blog into a book, focussed perhaps on writing literary short stories, or a more general focus on simply writing well.
ReplyDeleteI've always found your blog so readable and very useful. Your blog name would be the perfect title for the book.
I bet, if you were inspired by this idea, you could churn out such a book pretty quickly, and could probably get it published (or self-publish as an ebook if nothing else. How To books do well as ebooks, I believe.) And while you're working on it, you'll probably hanker to get back to fiction...!
For myself, when I feel my writing is coming out as crap, I just carry on anyway. Who cares - it's not what I rely on to pay the mortgage. Any small successes are a bonus.
There is a book called 'The Right to Write' by the same lady who wrote The Artist's Way - and although I have never managed to 'like' TAW, this is a gem.
ReplyDeleteWritten for anyone who just wants to write, and enjoy it - and that makes sense for us jaded ones, as well as newer writers starting out. Ive just been using it and quoting madly at newer writers... an aid to freeing up. Etc etc - and a good supportive read as well.
But also - do this.
Draw a pair of glasses (as in specs) at the top of a piece of paper.
Then underneath, at left of page,draw a stick-person 'you'.
Next to that draw a cloud full of writing stuff:, lotsa words, maybe something like a pile of 'books' poetry, stories, novels, flashes non fic etc etc,
And on the right - another cloud - with a £ sign, a cup for prizes, the names of top publishers, fame, fortune...
Now put on the specs.
You only have two lenses. Focus on the writing products and the money etc, which so many writers do, and you leave out YOU.
Focus on YOU, and your writing-cloud, and the other stays blurred... and thats how (it can be argued) it ought to be.
Its my attempt at a Margaret Atwood cartoon - to show how we need to look after us in all this, rather than get caught up in the fight to be published, win stuff, etc etc.
---
And the reality is this - opening a package from Amazon just now. My hardback, published last November, to some lovely reviews. Withdrawn from a library, unread, and sold for 1p.
I'm still writing!
xxxx
Hi Sally. I love your blog and enjoy reading your posts and about your successes. That's just it though -you are successful because you write and you have been published, which makes your work widely available so that a wider audience may enjoy it. I'm not published yet but that's because I haven't tried -I'm not ready (presently writing my first novel). However, I've been writing for years and I have my off days also. I guess we could say it's normal. For me I just write anything -so I have days away from the novel but at least I'm still writing something. For me it seems to work but I'm no expert and I'm still a 'junior' in this writing universe. Best of luck to you.
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